As I promised in my previous post I want to shed a light on the story of the girl who committed a suicide leaving after her only obscurity and vagueness.
It was 5th of December. There was nothing unusual in the day when I got up in the morning and took my way to the University. When I entered the auditorium it was 8:25 and only one student was there. Then three more students came in along with our lecturer. The lesson began and that was the day appointed for the seminar. One of the girl was answering the lecture when the charwoman rushed into the auditorium and asked whether anyone had a valerian as the charwoman of the seventh floor was in a shock learning that someone has fallen down from the floor she was responsible for. She calmed us down saying that the person who did it was not identified and was supposed to be a stranger. That moment the dean assistant came in warning us not to look from the windows, as it would have a deep impact on our psychosis. But as far as I was burning with impatience to see what was going outdoors, I hastened to open the window, but hearing my coursemates shouting at me I closed it managing to have only a slight glance at the person laying on the ground with his face on it. That very moment one of the girls cried out “Where is Rusik? Her purse is here”. I remembered the shape of the person I saw just 3 seconds ago and it definitely resembled Rusanna. I rushed to the window again and having a distinct look at the goner I cried in horror: “That’s Ruzik…that’s her”. My coursemates stared at me as if taking me for a mad who was not conscious about what she was talking. But it turned into a panic when some more students dared look out of the window and assured my assumption. They started crying and weeping, especially our lecturer who was about to lose her consciousness. Not knowing what to do I hurried to the seventh floor screaming on my way that she was my coursemate. When I reached the place I saw the open window and a battle half filled with some liquid. One of the security guards assigned me to go and warn the students not to touch her purse. Then the investigators arrived. They emptied the purse and found a note written on the xerox copy of the book: “We were not able to pay for the tuition any more” and her signature.
But all that time her body was there outdoors and all because of the incompetent work of the investigators whose middle aged photo camera was not functioning properly, and the sticky tape which was meant for the elements not to fall, was peeling off all the time. As a result her body was taken away only at about 12 while the case had happened at about 8. So she had come at about 8 am, gone upstairs to our classroom, left the purse there on the chair which was under the table, so that no one would notice it, and gone to the seventh floor. Then had drunk the liquid which was later defined to be essence, and dived.
I don’t want to go into details what happened then. Just to mention that the usual wake, mourning and funeral was followed and grief, sobs and weeps.
Since that we tried to understand the causes which would make her do such a step. She was a very kind and nice girl. Both professors and students loved her very much. She was so innocent, so, infantile, so childish that no one would figure out that she might possibly have any problem to deal with. She was not talkative, she would talk only if you asked her something and we all considered it to be her character and didn’t try to find anything strange between her silence. Just she was very melancholic. She was not talking about herself much, but in general she didn’t seem to have secrets. She was taking part in all the parties and excursions hold by our course. At times she rejected answering the lesson in such a manner of a naughty child, that even professors were forgiving her.
All my course was getting so much angry every time listening to the nonsense rumors which were afloat all over the city. We were really struggling with them , explaining that the reality was quite different. But they wouldn’t listen, as the exaggerated lie sounded better than the bleak truth.
One of the rumors was that she was a Jehovah’s Witness. Oh God.. why every time anyone commits a suicide the first thing to suppose is that he or she was a Jehovah’s Witness? Aren’t there other better explanations? Or is it also kind of publicizing? Yes, such suicides are common among them, but does it refer to everyone? And even not understanding it, that inadvertent people promote the growth of it. No, she was not a Jehovah’s Witness and even she was afraid of them. She was afraid of everything in general, mainly of animals, be it a bird or a cat.
Second, people assumed that she was pregnant. Again, that was an absurd… No she was not pregnant. It’s not that I’ve examined her, just we new her to be too much innocent and besides that’s something proved by the results of examination. But the most outrageous was that this rumor was overmade to the level, that later they spread that she was raped by one of her professors. Oh..God..how mean people can be.. And what gives them the ground to trample down the innocent name of the girl who they hadn’t ever seen? If even so, and what? If not she by herself, such gossipers would likely draw her to her grave.
Then, people invented that there was a guy who she loved but it was not two-sided and she decided to make this step. Firstly, if there was somebody we would know about it ahead everyone, yet, there wasn’t. Secondly, whose business is it?
What concerns the note she had left. We all think that it was just a fraud, a mean to justify herself. But that was a great insult for her mother and the University. Although the tuition was raised to 1000$ and all the attempts of the students to resist it went to the dogs, we all knew perfectly that she was able to pay for it, as they were living comfortably well off and needed for nothing. She could lent you even 50$ anytime of the day if you asked. It’s not something that every student can afford. And her mother had 1000$ saved in the bank for her next year fee.
In that case what was her problem? Today I have many assumptions but I never give way to them, as I may be wrong in any of them. I loved her, but I cannot justify her step. Sometimes I blame myself that I didn’t notice that something was wrong with her and perhaps I could help her. But then I realize that I couldn’t do anything, just because she was too closed. Though I had senses that she was sad and something bothered her, and even I talked to her to make her feel better though not knowing the purpose of her melancholy. But I would never expect her to commit a suicide. Now I think that she might have an inferiority complex, though she was cute and beloved, or she had psychical problems which she was hiding neatly. That’s her who should explain the purpose of such a STUPID, SENSELESS action and not any other person. Yet…
In any case, I will not be able to justify her. That’s a thing not understandable to me, that’s what I call to give up. And I don’t think that those who commit suicide are courageous. Perhaps when they look down they want to proof themselves that they can be courage at least once in life. And as a matter of fact they change their minds the moment when it’s too late.
Who says life is easy? Life is a struggle. Everyone must know how to struggles his way through the difficulties. We must know how to fall and how to raise, not forgetting to smile all the time at misfortunes. We must study to meet the triumph and disaster equally in order not to be caught in the traps of both of them. As we look around us and within us and recognize the problems created as we live, we also realize that these are deep, fundamental problems that cannot be solved on the superficial level on which they were created. We need new level, a deeper level of thinking for solving these deep concerns. We must always remember , that we are able to achieve everything, if we put our hearts in it and do the necessary sacrifices. This is something she ought to know, but didn’t. Or she considered her life to be so cheap to be substituted by a thing more worthy.
But nothing has the price of life, nothing costs life… Remember it , Ruzik…
However, I will always remember you and in my memories you will always remain the same “puchur- muchur” and sweety girl.